Whenever I make declarations, God calls me out on them. My fleshly nature likes to point at someone who is doing something I consider wrong and declare that “if I was in that situation, I would NEVER do it wrong like them”. It’s what a dear friend of mine and I call “log-sawing”……let me get that twig out of your eye for you, just ignore the 30 foot tree sticking out of my eye (Matthew 7:3-5 & Luke 6:41-42; it’s such a common problem the bible addresses it twice). Boy! I sure can be arrogant and “holier than thou” when I don’t take charge of my own thoughts.
A few years ago Hubby was angry and threw his phone against the cabinet which obliterated it. I judged him for it and was angry that we had to waste hundreds of dollars to immediately replace it, when there were other necessities needed. God forbid someone go without a personal cell phone in this day and age. People are so lost without their technology…..and it seems to be getting worse (but that’s a different post for another time).
Apparently I was still holding on to this unforgiving thought, which God graciously reminded me of Friday evening when I was called out for my judgment. I’m not making excuses, just giving a reason. This vertigo stuff is still kicking my butt….and trying my patience after 2 months of it. The doctors have yet to figure out the cause of it or my fainting spells. It’s hard to look at technology as much as I need to be looking at it right now. Life seems to revolve around it anymore.
I separated from my job in April after an injury last September left me with only partial use of my dominant hand, making it frustratingly difficult and turning me into a snail at my job (yet another unfortunate “log-sawing” event amongst other lessons from above). I couldn’t accomplish my normal tasks anymore in a reasonable amount of time. The end of the day would arrive and I still had half of my daily tasks left. I was panicked, overwhelmed and defeated by nights end. I tried for another 2 weeks before admitting I couldn’t do what I was being asked to do (I hate admitting defeat). So, now, I’m in search of a job.
Friday night I was filling out an application after finding out that another place I’d applied to was not something I can physically do. Irritated already, I came to the end of the 45 minute long application and my tablet locked up. So, I smacked the screen with my palm a few times (like this EVER helps!) and my wedding ring (which is slightly too big) flipped around and punctured the screen. I watched it slowly spider-web over the next 30 seconds, my heart sinking as I knew I really needed the tablet for job hunting and a volunteer photography project I was doing on Sunday. I have a laptop ,but when it updated last, somehow it made it have errors on it. So, it doesn’t work correctly anymore and locks up constantly.
I called Hubby at work, frantic from my stupidity; interrupting his work day because of my foolishness. Ridiculous! My temporary loss of self-control cost us $200. All for a silly temper tantrum that did NOT make me feel better for even 1 second. I wasted money that was needed on other necessities like I’d blamed him for years ago. Who the heck am I to say “that’s unforgivable, I won’t forgive you for that”? I am reminded of the Lord’s Prayer (Luke 11:4) and how God has forgiven me for some pretty awful things that I deserve to pay dearly for. “Forgive me as I forgive others” is a scary thing to pray when there are things we hold against others. I don’t want to be held to all my mistakes and shortcomings. I would be an outcast by the end of the day if I was made to pay for all my boo boos.
I am reminded yet again that I’m a work in progress and am in training for the kingdom to come.
Keep changing my heart Lord. I’m ridiculously thankful that You won’t give up on me. Use my mistakes to help others learn the easy way. Let this be a lesson learned so I don’t repeat the same mistake. Help me not to get mad at technology, it does serve a purpose.