Thoughts from the Recliner

So much for my big Blog Relaunch. I came out with a……”ppllbbww” (insert fart sound, I have no idea how to spell it.)

If you followed me previously or read my older posts, you’ll know I’ve been having some random medical problems for over 3 years now and it’s been a rough week.

2 months ago, I was visiting home (New Mexico ) for the birth of my first grandchild  (the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!! And I’m a creation freak…flowers, butterflies,  rainbows, etc.). I cooked dinner, sat down at the table with my BFF and her hubby, cut my sweet potato up, buttered it……and then passed out in it.  I remember getting my potato ready to eat, this wave of nausea came over me, my head hurt badly, and the next thing I knew BFF had me by the shoulders and was yelling my name, in my face.

The ambulance took me to the hospital where they found no cause other than blood pressure drop. I already know I have lower BP and anemia. They sent me home with iron pills and told me to go to my doctor when I came home. Then last month I nearly passed out again. My mom sent me a BP monitor.

Last Saturday some creep tried to run me off the road and I’m ashamed to say, I couldn’t control my anger (which doesn’t make it ok). I honestly didn’t recognize myself. I won’t relive it here, but he had NO idea I know Jesus. HUGE fail!!!! Not, ok! I haven’t been able to control my emotions since and I’ve been on a BP rollercoaster ride since then.

Unfortunately last night, I found myself curled in a ball, in the hallway, bawling my eyes out and screaming profanity at God.I berated Him for not being there for me at my whim. I demanded He reveal Himself to me right then, like a spoiled brat. I told Him He was obligated due to His promises. Yet….nothing. I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying from a dream about my ferret who died a week after my dad.

I didn’t feel like going to church this morning, but I went due to a promise I made (which landed me there quite early). I wasn’t gonna go back on MY word, like I felt God had. As the battle raged inside of me, one of my bible study leader’s came up to tell me “good morning”.

Now, I’m a bit strange and I have lying issues….I just can’t do it.  So, when someone asks me how I am, I try to say “God is good” if I don’t want to talk about it or don’t think they want to really hear. Americans use that as a greeting, not as a real question. It’s actually kind of sad.

After a I told her what I’ve been going through, my leader introduced me to a new friend who dealt with the same thing for 6 years: anemia, low BP and fainting.

God DID show up; in the perfect way, at the perfect time. I just needed to know I’m not alone on this crazy ride.

 

I’m sorry, Lord. You always know what’s best. I’m a work in progress. I’m so glad You don’t give up on me…..I would. Keep changing me. I’m not where I need to be, but thank You for not leaving me where I started.

“Trust in the Lord with all Your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your path. Be not wise in your own eyes but fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:5-8

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